


the time they weren't meant to be?

by kakkoweeb



Series: Pomp or Circumstance [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Break Up, M/M, Other, Post-Break Up, Unreliable Narrator, bad scene switching i'm so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-15
Updated: 2017-05-15
Packaged: 2018-10-29 13:07:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10854630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kakkoweeb/pseuds/kakkoweeb
Summary: Love sucks.--“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.”- NietzscheOiKage Week Day 2





	the time they weren't meant to be?

**Author's Note:**

> TODAY'S HEADLINE: dumb author angsts too much and very badly and wears herself out
> 
> sorry i just read the quote prompt, said, "lol drama" and then remembered this particular au. that being said, this is dramatic. like really dramatic.
> 
> also, regarding the tag 'bad scene switching'--well. there's gonna be bad scene switching. luckily i am able to employ these ⇤ ⇥ helpful line breaks to help you follow along in case it's difficult. originally they were supposed to be the 'rewind to end' symbol and its forward counterpart, but as i have so [tweeted](https://twitter.com/kakkoweeb/status/861544097282048000) before, ao3 didn't allow me to do that. you can't always get what you want

He sees Tooru again for the first time in years, one autumn afternoon when the wind blows heavily and the clouds overpower the skies. The street is crowded, it always is at this time, and before him is an endless sea of faces but his eyes are drawn to Tooru’s, only Tooru’s, (an adverse effect, perhaps, of too often seeing that face, of sleeping so close to that face, of kissing and holding and dreaming of that face for the better part of his younger days), and somehow, some way, it’s as though a path carves itself through that crowd, that ocean of bodies: a path that sets Tooru in front of him, but a few steps away; a path that gives him a view of that beautiful smiling face, looking happy, looking content; a path that reminds him how he’s long lost the right to draw that smile out, or see it facing him.

With a cold gust of wind, Tooru turns and sees him. Something strange bubbles inside his chest.

 

⇤

 

“I want that one!”

Tooru had his hands and face pressed against the walls of a skill crane, fingernails tapping excitedly on the glass, desperately trying to bring to attention a particularly angry-looking gorilla plush in the far back of the machine, surrounded by a multitude of other (far more pleasant) stuffed animals. It seemed to glare at Tobio, and Tobio wasted no time in glaring back.

“It’s kind of hard to get, isn’t it?” he asked. “And it’s so mad. Why do you want it?”

“You said you’d get whatever I wanted though.” Tooru’s answer wasn’t exactly an answer, but his smile as he stepped out of the way and opened the playing field for Tobio and his self-proclaimed ‘expertise at arcade games’ was filled with nothing but mirth. “Go on, oh great and talented gamer. Go get your adorable boyfriend the big bad gorilla.”

His ‘adorable boyfriend’ truly was a menace whenever he’d found something he wanted; Tobio shook his head, though not in refusal or disapproval, fished for one of the arcade coins in the pocket of his jeans, and shoved it in the slot. Tooru gave a playful hoot as the machine roared to life and then settled his hands on Tobio’s shoulders, roughly massaging them as if Tobio were about to enter a boxing match rather than try and pick up a toy with a metal claw.

“Go, Tobio, go! You got this, you got this!”

“Stop that,” Tobio said, but his face was stuck in an unintentional grin as he pressed buttons and moved the tiny lever to position his claw.

It took him him four arcade coins, two stuffed elephants, and a trip to a nearby vending machine, but eventually, he did manage to nab that god-forsaken gorilla and watch as Tooru took it in his arms, comically cheering and affectionately staring at its big-nosed face. “You did it! And it only took forever!” he condescended happily.

“Shut up,” Tobio said, without any of the irateness that normally came with the phrase. “I got you, like, two elephants. Why do you want _that_ so bad?”

His grin was bright and beautiful, but as he turned the gorilla in his hands so that it glared at Tobio once again, it was clear that his happiness was misplaced. “It looks like you!”

Tobio allowed his entire face to fall flat, blankly stared at Tooru for a good few moments, before turning around and walking away, ignoring the immature giggles sounding from behind him.

“Aww, don’t be like that! You’re both cute!”

He kept walking, but smiled.

 

⇥

 

Tobio doesn’t know what he’d expected, what he’d desired for Tooru to do the moment they locked eyes, but only alien sensations flood his system when he sees Tooru begin to approach despite the fading of his smile, the vanishing of radiant light from his eyes. He struggles to keep his face straight, struggles to remember their story together, struggles to remember the story he’d forced himself to build after the last had fallen apart, struggles to remember he’s moved on and happy now.

“Tobio,” Tooru says. That name in his voice, from his lips, make Tobio’s stomach churn. “It’s been a while.”

“It has,” he says, hesitates, continues with, “Oikawa-san.”

Tooru’s entire form grows stiff, and then a different kind of light shines in his eyes. He smiles, the corners of his mouth pulled too tight. “That’s a bit too far of a regression, but if it’ll help make you more comfortable, then I’m all for it, _Tobio-chan_.”

Immediately, he feels offended, but figures he’d subjected Tooru to the same emotion, brushes it off.

“So,” Tooru continues, sharply, “how well have these last few years been treating you?”

“Okay, I guess.” Tobio pauses. “And you?”

“Just fine, thank you. Life's been a wild ride to be sure, lots of work stress and family stress and all that, but it's been interesting. Fun.” Tobio hasn’t heard him say anything of this length in a long, long time, hasn’t seen him look so satisfied with himself either. His eyes fall to the plastic bag Tobio clutches in his hand; it helps Tobio remember it’s there at all. “Out shopping?”

“Oh, um—yeah,” he stammers, glancing at his own possessions, cursing his lack of eloquence and the fact that Tooru seems to be enjoying seeing him flounder around in such close proximity once again. But Tooru doesn’t know him as well as he think he does, not anymore. He inhales, glances around. “I’m actually with my—“

“Tobio?” a woman’s voice says from behind him, as if on cue, and Tobio regains his calm, steps aside, glances between her and Tooru.

“My girlfriend,” he simply says, watches Tooru’s eyebrows rise.

His girlfriend smiles at Tooru and introduces herself; “Nice to meet you,” she says, extending a hand for Tooru to take, and Tobio feels pride swelling from deep within his chest. He isn't sure why, but figures Tooru's evident hesitation as he stares at the offer for a handshake far longer than necessary is an important factor.

Eventually, he does take it. "Oikawa Tooru. Likewise," he returns, the smile on his face lingering yet transformed. It's a quiet smile. Perhaps speechless. He turns to Tobio. "Wow. A girlfriend. I never would have guessed. How long have you two been going out?"

"Two years," Tobio answers before she can. He wraps an arm around her shoulder, ignores her questioning glance.

"Oh, nice," Tooru says, "about the same as me and my girlfriend too."

The words turn Tobio cold though he knows they shouldn't. Tooru is Tooru; of _course_ he'll have found someone else to fasten to his side, to make him happy, _of course—_ but his breaths are heavy, his heart unable to slow, his teeth discreetly latching themselves onto his bottom lip in an effort to quell something on his skin, his insides, festering at the subtle pride in Tooru's eyes.

But he grips tighter at his own pride, doesn't mind her startled hum, doesn't change his face as he nods. "That's cool," he says, looks straight into Tooru's eyes, dead into them. Tooru stares back, jaw set, equally devoid of an intention to back down and look away.

"Uhh." Tobio hears the apprehension in his current lover’s voice, allows his eyes to leave Tooru's (finally) to look at hers. "Well, it was nice seeing you, Oikawa-san, but we've got frozen food that needs refrigerating as soon as possible if we don't want to go hungry. Have a good day!"

"Oh, no problem. It was nice seeing both of you too," Tooru says, and the very moment he finishes Tobio finds he's hurriedly leading himself and his girlfriend away, cutting her pleasant smile and nod toward Tooru short.

Her hold on his hand isn't forceful, but it is firm. The both of them are silent as they walk along, further and further from Tooru who Tobio has to convince himself not to glance back at. The moment he does is the moment he loses, he thinks, and if there’s anything he hates more than the way Tooru makes him feel, it’s defeat. He keeps his lips pressed together; his girlfriend does the same.

Once they're out of earshot for sure, however, she speaks. "So that's the ex?"

Unpleasant pictures are laid out in his mind, all monochrome and fading, of her and her sad face watching him as he snivelled and ate and slept his way to recovery after Tooru, after the happiness and hurt and the end of both, and he bites his lip. "That's the ex," he confirms.

She lets out a single syllable of a laugh. "You were right, then," she says. "He's pretty."

Tobio laces their fingers together.

 

⇤

 

“Tobio, come over here and pick one!”

Tobio only minimally groaned in response, narrowed his eyes at the ridiculously small characters printed on his textbook, and moved to stretch his legs out on the carpet. Studying on the floor of Tooru’s apartment was probably one of the worst things to be doing on such a gorgeous Friday night, but if he was going to pass any classes he had that semester, it would be one of the many prices he’d have to pay. It didn’t help that Tooru was splayed out on the couch, loudly scrolling through something on his phone either.

He used his toe to tap on Tobio’s shoulder. “Tobio, did you hear me?” he called.

“Don’t do that,” Tobio warned, moving his body away from the toe that had touched who knew what all day. “What are you even doing? I thought you had a lot of tests coming up too.”

“Yeah, but they’re all for next week anyway. Our anniversary’s tomorrow already, so we need to prepare for that first, now here!”

Tooru’s phone appeared in his field of vision and Tobio spared a few moments to examine the page loaded on the screen. He didn’t forget that it was their anniversary, of course not, but what with everything that needed to be accomplished and studied for, for him and Tooru both, he’d have thought there was going to be a lot less unnecessary flair and preparation—certainly the opposite of what Tooru had in mind, if the list of nearby restaurants (all particularly fancy-looking; Tobio could hear his wallet moaning) displayed on his phone was any indication.

Tobio went back to his textbook. “What about it?”

“Pick a place to eat! It’s a special day, and we’re a democracy! I can’t be the only one making decisions for the both of us. Now which one of these?”

“I don’t really care.”

Much to Tobio’s future Chemistry grade’s relief, Tooru’s whining had quickly disappeared. He knew the silence wouldn’t last, however; Tooru had probably just gotten distracted by something on the list or anything else on his phone and would continue rambling on about the establishment with the best food, best ambience, and best value for money anytime soon. However, when he _did_ speak again, what Tobio heard was a low mumble of:

“Well. You could’ve just said so.”

He stopped his pencil midway through an equation and looked up. Tooru’s face was sullen, entire body curled into a ball on the couch, fingers rapidly tapping his phone. He frowned once he caught Tobio staring. “What?”

“Are you upset?” Tobio asked.

“What a question.”

“I didn’t mean it like, I don’t care about our anniversary,” Tobio clarified. “I meant it doesn’t really matter where we eat. I’d like whatever you pick.”

“That’s not what it sounded like.”

“But that’s what I meant.”

“Well, word things a little better, why don’t you?” Tooru snapped, but the furrow in his brow was leaving just as quickly as it came. He sighed, propped his elbow up on the armrest and rested his face on his hand. “Sorry. You really did just sound so passive I thought you didn’t care for a second.”

“Sorry, too,” Tobio replied, placed his pencil in the middle of his book and closed it, and reached for Tooru’s phone. “Could I see the list again?”

 

⇥

 

The television one day tells him that Tooru's girlfriend is a local celebrity. He shuts it off and goes to bed.

 

⇤

 

“You’re thinking hard.”

Tobio jumped, looked up from his place on a dining stool to see Tooru gazing down at him, a curious look in his eyes. Something strange bubbled in his chest. “What, can’t a guy brood every now and again?” he asked, tearing his gaze away and focusing it on the coffee maker on the counter across him.

There was a short laugh. “Tobio, you are the most relaxed person I know. You only ever get like this when you’re thinking about me.” Tobio made a face, glared up at Tooru once again, but the latter only cocked an eyebrow up, an accusatory look on his face. “I’m not being arrogant; you know it’s true,” he said. “So what’s wrong?”

Sighing out through his nose, Tobio slouched in his seat, content with staring at whatever fell in his line of sight as long as it wasn’t Tooru. “What happens if you leave?”

“Huh?”

“Your work,” Tobio reminded, glancing up at Tooru. “You mentioned before that the company sends their best people to their location abroad for training and special projects for a few years. When that happens, you’ll be gone for a long time.”

Tooru fell silent, but his eyebrows were knitted together and his lips were parted, like he had so much to say but no idea where to start. He seemed to blink himself back into coherency. “Well, yeah, they do that, but what makes you think I’m automatically a part of the team they send?”

“You said they send their best people. Their _best._ How are you not a part of that?”

“Well, I’m flattered you believe in me so much,” Tooru joked, but frowned when Tobio did. “Look, they’re not just gonna pack me in a bag and ship me all the way to another country without my consent. Of course they’ll give an invitation, and invitations can be refused, so there’s no need to worry.”

“But why would you refuse the invitation? It’s a great opportunity.”

“Eh.” Tooru gave an off-handed, noncommittal wave of the hand. “It is, I guess, but abroad sounds stuffy and I’ll be so far away from everybody I know and we won’t be allowed to go home until the contract is up. I feel like I’d miss too much,” he said, the last with implication, and then he was wrapping his arms around Tobio’s middle from behind and pressing a kiss against his cheek. “So I’m not going anywhere.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yup.” A tighter squeeze. “I’m decided. I’m staying right where I am.” Another quick kiss on the cheek. “Though now I’m _really_ flattered you’re gonna miss me so much you brooded over it.”

Tobio groaned, attempted to break free of the affectionate hold, but his lack of conviction was enough of a sign for Tooru to squeeze even tighter, to nuzzle his face in the crook of Tobio’s neck. “I love you too,” he cooed. Tobio stopped struggling.

 

⇥

 

One day he spontaneously decides that Saturdays will be allotted for shopping week after week, a bit of a change from their disorganized routine of 'buy whatever, and then more when things run out'. His girlfriend blinks at him when he suggests it, but eventually she shrugs, tells him whatever he wants to do is fine. He feels relief surge through his body, for whatever reason, and he holds her from behind to press a kiss against the back of her head. She hums, idly taps at his hands where they lock her in an embrace, and tells him to go before it gets dark.

(He hates himself for it, hates himself so much, but he frequents that place now, that street where Tooru had been, not expecting but begrudgingly hoping that they might, by chance, see each other again and it's pathetic. He's told himself so many times it's already engraved into his soul (it's pathetic, you're pathetic) but he doesn't leave, he never does, until the hour is late and unreasonable.)

In a short time, it easily becomes routine, easily becomes beneficial for the two of them on account of the lack of panic upon the sudden realization that there's no longer any salt and the like. He heads out and, admittedly, comes back hours later than necessary, but his girlfriend greets him as he enters, as she always does, no questions asked. Tobio makes it a point to bring home sweets, and she smiles at him.

(He hates that he's always there but he doesn't truly want to be. It's almost an instinctive, unconscious action—the way his feet move and bring him to the spot where Tooru stood a time ago and keep him there, allow him to be brushed against and jostled without a care; the way his eyes search that rapid current of faces passing him by in the hope that it'll catch that one, familiar one; the way his chest weighs him down, yearns to not be made the fool.)

On another day, weeks into the new resource-maintenance regimen, he swears he hears Tooru's voice. And when he does, he feels his heart stutter to a stop, feels his blood and his fingertips run cold, feels his head erratically whipping around in any and all directions, his eyes ceaselessly searching for that milky white face and chocolate brown eyes. But all he sees are strangers, and he has to sigh. He's completely embarrassing, he knows, and when he gets home there's only silence.

(He hates that he's never satisfied, hates that he's there without an expectation or reason why, hates how Tooru is able to draw all of these ridiculous emotions and desires and frustrations out of him by simply ghosting past, hates that with just one measly reappearance he's shattered every wall Tobio has built around himself, opened every suture to every wound he'd so carefully patched by himself, with change and distractions and his new partner.)

But on another day, one fateful day, _finally_ , he isn't an embarrassment. He isn't just some starry-eyed, impatient child waiting for the ice cream man to drive past. He sees Tooru, actually _sees_ Tooru.

And also sees his girlfriend.

(He hates that year after year has passed and he still descends back into the same burning hollow whenever he so much as sees Tooru's face.)

Their backs are turned when Tooru's form and clothes are brought to Tobio's attention, but they seem at ease, Tooru's hand on the slender woman's waist, hers settled against his back. They're leaning against each other, perhaps without even realizing it, pointing at accessories from a clear shop window and smiling at their own exchanges. Tobio feels his heart sinking, especially when they move away from the window and Tooru takes to walking backwards to look this special woman in the eye, nothing but pure joy etched onto his face. It should be heart-warming, he thinks, but he wants to steal the moment away in a photograph and cut and paste himself by Tooru's side.

And he realizes just how screwed he is.

(But at the same time, he loves it.)

When he comes home that evening, his girlfriend is picking up the mess in the living room. "Hey," she says, "did you see him today?"

Tobio's stomach twists. "What?"

She looks into his eyes with a barely-visible smile, picks up his empty water bottle, and moves to throw it out.

 

⇤

 

By the time Tooru had walked through the front door, Tobio had made sure to get himself settled and comfortable on the living room couch. He had a drink on a coaster on the coffee table and his laptop sitting on a pillow right in his lap, and an open piece of paper on the seat next to his. He made a grab for it and held it out to Tooru as he announced his presence and shook his shoes off. “You left this out on the desk,” Tobio said, keeping his eyes on his computer screen.

He didn’t need to look to see Tooru’s panicked face as he quickly snatched the paper away from Tobio’s grip, examined it as if to confirm it truly was what it was. He took a deep breath. “I can explain.”

“The letter explains everything pretty well already,” Tobio said, keeping his fingers on his keyboard but staring blankly up at the ceiling as he recited, word for word: “’Dear Oikawa Tooru-san, we are pleased to hear that you have accepted the invitation to participate in our Outstanding Employees’ International Training and Exchange Program. This program is only held once every three years and we guarantee that it will be a very special opportunity for you and your fellow participants to learn and experience new work environments that will improve your work ethic, enhance your already impressive skill set, and, we hope, incline you towards a long-term stay under our care. Below are the details for the exchange, inclusive of the things we recommend and or require you to bring—“

“Stop it already,” Tooru warned.

“—and we advise you to have everything ready as soon as possible for your own convenience and preparedness on the day of departure, March fifteenth.’” Tobio finished, crossing his arms and finally meeting Tooru’s eyes. “What date is it today, Tooru?”

He didn’t respond, only bit his bottom lip and closed his eyes in a solemn, calming sigh. It didn’t matter; Tobio knew better than anyone that it was the fourth of March, anyway. He crossed his arms. “You lied to me.”

Tooru’s eyes shot open. “I have the right to change my mind,” he said, voice dangerously low.

“And when were you planning to tell me that you did?”

There was an instance of silence. “Soon.”

“Ah. And how long ago was _soon?”_

“Shut up,” Tooru hissed. “I was going to tell you, I really was, but—I needed time. I had to do it right.”

“When? When you’re already finished packing and ready to hop on the plane?”

“If that’s what it has to come to, then why not?” Tooru snapped, grabbing his bag and briskly making his way toward the bedroom, stopping and turning when Tobio made a grab for his arm but trying to jerk it free. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this but if you think you’re making yourself better by waiting for me to get home just to make me feel like shit over something I’ve been worrying about for a long time, then you have another thing coming.”

“What was I supposed to do? You didn’t tell me you were worrying or anything; all you said was that you wouldn’t go!”

“Well, now I said I’m going, is that enough?”

“No!”

“Well, you’re _not_ my husband.” Tobio froze. “Or my mother. You can’t keep me from making good major life decisions by getting sad about it.” His grip loosened, and Tooru freed his arm, breathed in. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he said, “and I’m sorry I planted ideas into your head. But I’m not sorry I changed my mind and I’m not sorry I’m going. Please try to understand. If you still can’t, then it’s out of my hands.”

He moved away, shut the bedroom door.

 

⇥

 

"No," Tobio says, the minute he sees the heavy bag slung on his girlfriend's shoulder and the one she has in her hands.

Her smile seems perfunctory at this point, but lacks any actual glow. "Why not?" she asks in her unsettling, levelled voice.

Tobio asks himself the same thing, but he stares her down. "Whatever it is," he only says, "tell me and we'll fix it. I swear."

She’s still smiling but there’s no warmth, has a lot to say but makes no words. For a while she stands still, blinking at Tobio and then the floor and the ceiling, and when she does move, it’s only to adjust the wayward straps of her backpack. “I’ll tell you,” she finally says. “I’ll tell you what it is, but only because I want you to realize it’s not something we’re going to be able to fix together. You were my friend before you were my boyfriend and I want to help you. I always have. I want you to be happy.”

It takes another deep breath and several too-loud beats of Tobio’s nervous heart before she, at last, says: “You’re not over him, Tobio.”

Tobio’s surroundings melt around him. His head swims.

“You’re not crying your eyes out and sad-eating ice cream or anything like that anymore, but it’s obvious your feelings haven’t changed. Maybe they never have. What are we supposed to do if it turns out they never will?” she asks, softly, but Tobio knows it’s a demand. A desperate question, one neither of them are allowed to avoid, but she doesn’t wait for an answer. She’s already found hers. “I probably should’ve seen it coming a year ago; I knew it felt like you were moving too fast but I didn’t let myself ask too many questions. But then you saw him again once— _once—_ and you were different. And it was only a few weeks later that I realized that you were _you._ You were being you, and I didn’t know that. I _hated_ that.”

There’s a slight tremble in both of their fingers. Tobio keeps forgetting to blink. “So now,” she continues, “I’m setting _you_ free. Go to him, Tobio. It doesn’t matter what you do. Talk to him, find your closure, screw his girlfriend—not literally—and win him back. You can now, now that I’m not tying you down.”

“You never tied me down,” he counters.

She only smiles again, at the only denial he’s made in the last few minutes. “I guess that’s part of the problem too.”

Tobio tries to speak, tries to stop her when she starts to leave, but she flinches away from his touch before it even reaches her. She begs to be let go as well, before she starts crying, she says, and her eyes already beginning to water, lips beginning to quiver. She grins up at him nevertheless. “We can still be friends,” she tells him. “You can still complain to me about things, maybe in a few weeks so we both get some time alone, but please.”

Natsuko (her name is Natsuko) turns around. “Love who you want, not just who you allow yourself to.”

And just like that, Tobio is alone.

 

⇤

 

“Let’s end this.”

It was one in few instances where Tobio heard Tooru’s voice devoid of its usual energy and confidence, but even the (soft, soft) sound of it was like a dagger thrust through the already-painful silence that never used to exist before, not when things were better. It might as well have been a dagger through Tobio’s chest too, a crushing unseen weight obstructing his breathing, and oh, how it hurt, how those three words hurt.

But what hurt even more was that a part of him was ready to agree.

He looked up at Tooru, slowly, unable to make words. The normally gaudy, normally perky or at least faux happy man he’d once come to know and love wore a dark expression, was staring off in the distance even though nothing but the wall of his own bleak apartment stared back. He seemed to recognize the response of silence, glanced at Tobio from the corner of his eye, breathed in. “I know you’re thinking it too. These days, we’re just—we’re worse people, all the time. Fighting, forgetting, fighting again; it’s—it’s ignorant. We’re ignorant.”

He wasn’t wrong, but to hear what they were and where they were headed put into words made Tobio ache like never before. He swallowed. “We always have been,” he offered, and Tooru turned to face him. “We were just willing to make it work.”

Tooru hummed. “And are you still?”

Tobio hesitated. “Maybe.”

Tooru smiled. “Is that enough?”

Tobio could taste the bitterness.

They were always clashing, always deliberately ignorant, however willing to try and keep everything afloat. But what they didn’t realize, perhaps, was that the minute the second half of the dynamic failed to hold true it would be easy, too easy, for everything to come crashing down. And what Tobio was beginning to realize, just now—now that he could feel all that they were and all that they’d built up crumbing to pieces, was that they were always clashing, always deliberately ignorant, yet never capable of keeping anything afloat in the first place, never had anything stable, reasonable, to keep afloat at all.

Oh, how it hurt.

It was a quiet separation, something Tobio had honestly never expected for himself, and certainly not for Tooru. He’d gathered up what things he had lying around in the spaces Tooru’s things didn’t manage to fill up, was shown out the door by an uncharacteristically silent lover, ex-lover, wearing a face of discontent, a face that told Tobio there was so much to say and yet no room, no time, no energy, no strength to even begin; and then the door was shutting and he was walking home with a blank mind and numbing heart, the usual busy scenery of the streets nothing but dormant as he found his way to his own apartment, unlocked his door, locked it again.

But it wasn’t a quiet evening; Tobio didn’t think he’d ever hear himself wail as loudly as he did against his bedroom wall.

 

⇥

 

It isn’t fair. Tobio's feelings for Natsuko still pierce through the most vital parts of his chest, twisting, drawing out blood, and he thinks it isn’t fair. He did love her, he knows, perhaps a little less than what she’s looking for, what everyone looks for, and he thinks it isn’t fair. Not to him, not to her.

Weeks have passed since the impenetrable silence (one that Tobio has unsuccessfully tried to overpower) begun to reign over his apartment and he isn’t so much of an emotional mess as he is a walking rag doll, capable of making only one face and moving with idly-swaying limbs: a numb, hollow shell of a puppet. It’s heavy, everything—the weight of the world, his decisions, her words—and though he’s always been good at heaving up loads he isn’t sure how willing he is to anymore. Dropping it all is starting to sound too attractive to pass up, dropping it all and just making a surly face at the sky, cursing at things like life and love and relationships.

He spends the next few weeks by himself, his Saturdays always somewhere far away. He doesn’t want to stay at home in the cold embrace of solitude but he doesn’t ever return to that crowded street and sea of faces and pool of regrets. He refuses to go to the arcade, to the grocery store, anywhere that might dredge up his memories and spit the ones that count back in his face. He isn’t sure his face has a surly enough variant to respond with.

Instead, he brings himself to a quiet part of the city, a small green pond in a park housed underneath a short, arched bridge. Some afternoons, there might be children and their parents feeding the ducks, but most afternoons it’s exactly what he needs: a place he can be alone but still one with the living, a place serene and silent and drowning in colour. And most afternoons, he goes home feeling a little less bothered, a little more healed.

One afternoon, however, he sees Tooru.

It happens far too fast, sneaks up on him much too thoroughly. He has his hands on the railing of the bridge, watching a particularly bothersome duck swim up to one of its companions and shaking its tail by the other's bill before swimming away, a triumphant look on its face. Tobio can’t help his smile, and when the creature seems to look up at him before unleashing the most unattractive, ungraceful quack, he laughs for the first time in days.

Someone laughs alongside him, and they both stop and they both turn and they’re both surprised, Tobio’s eyes wide as they settle on a milky white face and chocolate brown eyes, and he thinks, _it isn’t fair._

“Tobio?” Tooru says. “How long have you been there? I didn’t notice you.”

“I didn’t notice you either,” Tobio suffices to say, far too ashamed to admit he isn’t aware of the time he arrived and never has been. “I always come here, but I—didn’t see you till today.”

Tooru hums. “This is my first time here,” he admits, staring down at the pond. The bothersome duck is nowhere in sight. “I’ve never been much of a ‘stay in a park and stare at the water’ kind of guy but—“ He pauses, shrugs. “Times change, I guess.”

He glances at Tobio. “I didn’t think you were either. Are you always here with your girlfriend?”

The unwarranted reminder is still a damper to Tobio’s mood, still has him biting his lip, still has an upsurge of emotion poking around in his chest, but the twisting isn’t as bad. “No,” he says honestly, despite every part of him that tells him not to, “I haven’t seen Natsu in weeks. We’re not…”

His voice cracks and he stops, expects Tooru to laugh, but what greets him is silence. He dares a glance and sees Tooru’s face frozen, his lips slightly parted.

“Oh,” he says. “Sorry to hear that.”

Tobio shrugs, doesn’t know why he says, “She said I wasn’t into it enough.”

From the corner of his eye, he sees Tooru stare intently, strengthen his grip on the railing, turn to the pond while taking a breath. “If it helps,” he says, “I just broke up with my girlfriend too.”

At once, Tobio starts, stares at Tooru to study his face. He remembers the smiles, the leaning, the conversation that seemed to be flowing so naturally, the comfort that he and the woman with him seemed to exhibit so effortlessly that one afternoon, and he’s dumbfounded, wonders where it all went. “What happened?” he only asks.

There’s apprehension on Tooru’s face; he recognizes that. “I…also wasn’t into it enough.”

Tobio’s heart stutters where it lies, and he wants to rip it out of his body because it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that his relationship failed, it isn’t fair that Tooru’s unimaginably happy-looking one has too, and it isn’t fair that he’s almost _glad_ right now. It isn’t fair to him, or Tooru, and certainly not to the women they’d inconvenienced for years. It isn’t fair that thoughts and feelings can’t be stopped, that they just come gushing into your system whenever they please and without warning with no room for approval, that he has to no one else to blame for the unavoidable, for thinking their inability to commit has some deep-rooted reason.

It isn’t fair how Tooru is looking at him right now, isn’t fair that he likes it. He looks away, still can’t find that loud duck. “Love sucks,” he blurts out.

To his relief, Tooru smiles down at the water. “Yeah.”

They don’t speak again for a while, and it’s on many levels uncomfortable but it feels familiar, it feels right. And it isn’t fair either, that it does. There should honestly be a rule that things that end are over forever, Tobio thinks bitterly as he focuses but can’t truly _focus_ his eyes on the water below, because all the misplaced happiness, the unnecessary excitement, and the crushing disappointment that follows after are criminal. But he stops himself thinking; he sounds like a teenage boy incapable of being mature about his own feelings and experiences and it’s not fair that it’s Tooru (whom he’s left behind, who’s left him behind, who’s beside him right now) who is making him like this.

He’s grown far too much, learned far too much to devolve back into someone like that, and yet when it’s Tooru he’s with he feels like he’s learned nothing at all, feels like he needs so much more, wants to come crawling back to learn everything all over again, wants to love who he loves and to be loved back and to be happy, with absolutely no reservations. With Tooru, years ago, it seemed impossible, but Tobio can almost physically feel how ready he is to, maybe one day, start trying again.

He toys with his fingers, swallows. “So…how was the training program a few years ago?”

There’s a loud quack from under the bridge. They quietly laugh, and Tooru looks at him, takes a breath to reply.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [BREAK-UP AND GIRLFRIENDS AU]
> 
> okay so there was a period in time when i really wanted break-up angst. like legit, i didnt even care whether or not they got back together i just wanted break-up angst and post-breakup pining. especially after i saw this [video](http://www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm25919279) on nicovideo (there was a copy on [youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JZP0kbWVubQ&t=4s) but it got copyrighted and got replaced by one with a cover of the original song). after that i read 'time machine', a doujin by mamizo, and got temporarily enamored with the fact that they have girlfriends aND STILL WANTED EACH OTHER and this au came out. i didn't take it too seriously but i did visualize and plan for it some. kageyama's girlfriend's full name is actually shiratori natsuko (the shiratori was NOT deliberate lol but i figured it might piss oikawa off a little), and oikawa's is named sumitimo maya.
> 
> [feel free to talk/ask about this au, if you're curious!](http://kakkoweeb.tumblr.com/) fair warning tho: im shy


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